Just down the road from my college apartment was a public golf course. One afternoon my roommates and I, were coming off the green of a dog leg left…water hazard left…short par 4, when the group behind us started teeing off.
One hit a blistering drive which appeared to have the right amount of hook. It landed right in the turn, and sailed around the corner. Turned out it was just a little too hot, as we watched it skirt into the water hazard.
As we approached the next tee box, which was adjacent to the water, we informed the guy looking for his ball that he was wet.
His reply was “no no I’m dry, I’m dry.”
Next thing we know he’s standing over a ball ready for his second shot. Whether he rolled a ball down his pant’s leg, or palmed one to the ground, we didn’t know.
He chili dipped the next shot and in perfect poetic justice, it went straight up in the air and landed a few feet ahead.
The ball landed in the drop zone for the hazard, just as if he would have “manned” up and taken the penalty stroke.
We dubbed him “Captain Chili Dip”, and when anyone sounded like they were stretching the truth, we’d call them out. “no no, I’m dry I’m dry”
There are laws of nature which include cause and effect, and consequences for actions.
While not all are immediate like Captain Chili Dips’s, actions do spur reactions that will manifest in one form or another, in due time.
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One morning, while on a Church retreat, I was sitting on a log in the middle of the woods having some one on one with God.
During this time he showed me I was still struggling with the guilt of leaving my son. He was 3 at the time, he’s now 10. We’re 9 hours apart and I’m unable to see him very often.
It wasn’t God’s plan that I divorced his mother, left my son and moved away. However, I am forgiven and God can use any situation for his good will.
My struggle is what the consequences of my “chili dips” will have on my son, who was innocent bystander in my actions. Statistics show the adverse effects of children being raised in a fatherless household.
I needed to deal with this guilt.
There was a staffed prayer tent at the retreat and I headed that way. Upon entering, two guys that I didn’t know asked if they could pray for me. After a quick introduction they asked specifically what I wanted to be prayed for.
I began sharing about my situation, when one of the guys cut me off right in the middle of my sentence. He said to tell him about where I am with Jesus.
That’s cool, I like sharing, as it is quite the story.
I begin and as I’m getting into the rise and fall of my faith, this guy once again cuts me off from speaking and says
“you’re a great storyteller but listen.”
What the heck? Is there a time limit to prayer” They were more than adequately staffed, but for some reason time seemed to be of essence.
So now based on hearing just limited information, this guy zeros in on his idea of what I was dealing with.
After he loaded me up with verses such as “there’s no condemnation in Christ”, I apologized for not articulating very well, and explain that yes I know all of that. That’s not my issue.
Once again I attempted to share the guilt is over the impact my past decisions may have on my son. Real consequences to real actions..
That didn’t go so well. Now he’s telling me he’s hearing deeds and works and starts to debate me. Without listening to what I’m saying, he’s slinging out verses totally unrelated to my struggle.
Next he removes his coat, pulls on his sweater, tightening his mid-section and says, get this, ready?
“Hit me in the stomach”
“Seriously, hard as you can, hit me”
Wait what? Is this real? Where did this come from? Is there a candid camera prayer edition being filmed?
When I respond that “no, I won’t hit you, and even if you hit me, I wouldn’t hit you back”, he asked “why?”
“Glad you asked, cause I’ve got a story for that too”.
I barely get out how love, forgiveness and it’s often right to be wrong, even when you’re right, is indefensible, before he shuts me off again…..
are you kidding me ??
Then he turns to the other dude asking if he’s got something to add.
He’s like ” I got nothing”
I’m curious what this other guy is actually thinking… is he experiencing what I’m experiencing?
Bizarre would be an understatement.
I can’t tell you what he next said, as my head was now in a fog, but I do remember he asking me
“we can agree on that, right?” yea, sure… whatever
He then asked the other guy to pray and then started grunting and mumbling…if you’ve seen the movie Sling Blade with Billy Bob Thornton, it was just like that.
“umm ummm that’s right ummm umm … biscuits. ummm ummm thank you Jesus” umm ummm”
Through this distraction, I missed most of the other guys prayer for me. I did pick up he prayed for God to overcome the obstacles that my son will face from being in a dadless home. So, I think at least he got it.
I thanked them, but walked out of that prayer tent in a total “what the heck just happened” stupor?
I don’t think you could cause a prayer train wreck like that on purpose.
And that was the rub… this was a guy who sacrificed not just hours, but days outside in the cold to pray for people.
I believe his heart was there. What happened?
Did just all of a sudden when I hit the door did he lose all his listening skills?
Or were the words coming out of my mouth different than what I thought I was saying?
Was it me?
So, I started to pray for God to show me what I needed to see. I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal the message for me.
I couldn’t let it go, something more was to it. Over the following two days I constantly would bring that train wreck of a prayer session to mind.
I’d wake up during the night and my mind would go straight back to it. The next night same thing, I’d wake up and my mind went straight there.
Around 2 am the the third day home from the retreat, I awakened with it again on my mind. Then an uncontrollable smile hit my face. I got it! I think I got it!
If I had received encouraging, uplifting, normal, hands on prayer, it would resonate and I’d feel better.
Yet it wouldn’t last as I would then file it away in the religion prayer folder of my mind, never to review it again.
Instead I believe that God gave me a “you can’t make this stuff up” prayer session to wrestle with.
The logical side of me had to work through it. Playing the prayer session over and over caused it to finally sink in my bones the message that I needed to hear
I already know my actions can, and have caused tangible pain to others.
I can’t change the past therefore I simply need to “Man up”.
Accept the facts, and own my past, but don’t let my past own me.
I’m forgiven. I now must put my trust and faith that God can, and will help me become the best dad I can be, even if it’s from several states away.
Just as importantly, I need to train my son to become a man, learn to trust, and have faith that God will lead him to overcome the obstacles he will face as a result of his dads mistakes.
We all are chili dippers, but that doesn’t have to hinder the good. It also doesn’t mean we can’t recover. It means we are to own our mistakes and not pretend that they didn’t happen. We are to turn towards God and His love and forgiveness and lay them out before him. Doing so will help defeat the enemy when he wants to pull us down in quilt and shame.
Captain Chili Dip’s drive to the water was a PGA level shot. I wouldn’t be surprised if he finished the round legitimately a few strokes above par.
So, here’s to you clock watching, sling blade humming, non listening, ADD bouncing ball, chili dipping prayer man.
I love you!
God used you in a way only he can. Knowing it would take more than a soft loving prayer session to reach this guilt laden chili dipper in need.
For that I’m ever grateful,
rescued and restored
al